the truth about my weight loss!

..is a headline in 1 out of every four issues of Grazia magazine. It’s always some aneroxic bint who’s been photographed the week before, on the red carpet in an unflattering pose that reveals her ‘skeletal frame’. Friends are always ‘concerned’ and ‘urging her to eat’. Said aneroxic bint then feels the need to defend herself and does an interview to explain that she’s stressed and when she gets stressed she forgets to eat. Um, excuse me? You forgot to eat? Oh right, me too. In fact today, I forgot to eat a croissant, two bananas, a cheese sandwich, a satsuma, a king size bar of fruit and nut, and in a moment I’ll forget to eat fish and chips. No, wait, that’s not quite right…..oh you know what I’m saying. Who forgets to eat? and what kind of self obsessed moron thinks that saying she’s ‘forgotten to eat’ will make people feel sorry for her? I bloody well live to eat. It’s the only thing that gets me through the mind numbing dullness of yet another day spent at my desk, completing tasks a lobotomised corpse could do. Sod off, forgotten to eat brigade!!

My favourite forgetting to eat story in Grazia was one about Victoria Beckham who, according to the unbiquitous ‘friend’, was so skinny because she’s been travelling backwards and forwards to LA a lot and hadn’t been able to get hold of her favourite snacks. Aaawww, poor Vicky. I wonder what her fave snack is? It must be something tres exotique what with her being well posh and everything. Let me see….um….fresh australian oysters? deep fried goujons of puffa fish? swans tongues, personally removed by the Duke of Edinburgh and served on a diamonique platter? No. Victoria’s fave, but hard to come by snack food is, in fact…wait for it…

Sugarsnap peas. Sugarbloodysnap peas!!! Like you can’t get them in every supermarket and I’m not even talking about the posh ones, I’m even including Somerfield or whatever the US equivalent of Somerfield is. Come on Victoria ffs. We know our veg, think of a better excuse for your scrawny ass. And in the meantime, I’ll be forgetting to eat this bag of kettle chips.

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