How to ensure you don’t get any presents this Christmas


We’re all familiar with the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, right? He’s not allowed to join in any reindeer games because, well basically he’s a freak of nature and the other reindeers have spotted this and can’t bear to look at him. And then Santa comes along and is all like “dude, you might be a freak of nature but your hooter will come in real handy as a torch while I skip around the world delivering presents. I mean, to me, that’s quite offensive but apparently that was all it took for the other reindeers to think that Rudolph was Ok after all and they all became friends, the end, because Santa has said it’s Ok to be different and of course everything Santa says is The Law.

 But, whilst shopping in the glorious surroundings of Bromley High Street the other day, I hear a version of the song which had a kind of musical PS on the end. Jack Johnson (of course I had to Google), has decided that the original and much loved morality tale is not quite moral enough thank you very much and has added a new verse which involves Rudolph getting all big for his, er, hooves, and being like “actually, other reindeers, you weren’t very nice to me before so I don’t want to be your friend thanks very much.” See for yourself:

‘Well Rudolph he didn’t go for that
He said “I see through your silly games”
How could you look me in the face
When only yesterday you called me names?
Well all of the other reindeers man,
Well they sure did feel ashamed,
“Rudolph you know we’re sorry,
We’re truly gonna try to change”

I kid you not. And so what we basically have here, is Jack Johnson undermining the almighty word of Santa himself. He’s saying, just because Santa says it’s ok, it’s not good enough, those Reindeers have to want to change. He’s totally dissing Santa for not taking those Reindeers in hand and making them change himself. Which is all very well and good but dude, I wouldn’t want to be you on Christmas day when Santa finds out what you’ve been saying.

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