You may remember, way back in the mists of time when i started this blog, that I was discussing learning to drive. That was aaggges ago, right? So obviously I’ve done that and passed my test by now. Obviously…not. In my defence I did have a baby! So learning to drive wasn’t quite at the forefront of my brain, but at the end of last year I thought, can’t put it off any longer, I’m stuck in Orpington with no means of escape, better start those lessons again. So I did. Then I failed another test. Oops, but never mind, try again. I was supposed to be trying again on Monday. I was all prepared this time. I had been HYPNOTISED.
It was my friend’s idea. She passed her driving test just before Christmas and had a recommendation for me, a way of conquering my seemingly incurable driving test incompetence (note: TEST incompetence. I’m actually quite a good driver. No really, I am! I just can’t seem to convince an examiner of this. One whiff of a high vis tabard and a clipboard and I turn into Maureen).
She started like this: “Now, babe, don’t think I’m hippy dippy or anything, but…” Oh, god. Anyone who a sentence like that is OBVIOUSLY going to say something hippy dippy. It’s like “I’m not being bitchy, but…” Well, yes, you are being bitchy. If you say you’re not at the beginning of the sentence, it doesn’t cancel it out. Thats not the way it works, in the world. Unfortunately, actually, cos that would be awesome: “I’m not spending any money, but I’m going to buy this really expensive handbag” or, “I’m not being lazy but I’m going to sit on my fat arse watching Jeremy Kyle all day”. You get the picture. Anyway, so there we had it. She had been HYPNOTISED. Why, she asked, didn’t I get hypnotised, too? Why indeed. Well, I’ll tell you why. I am not a getting hypnotised sort of person. I don’t think. Am I? Maybe I am. You can see where this is going. It’s going to Amazon and it’s buying “Pass Your Diving Test” by Glenn Harrold.
I was instructed to listen to the CD every night for 2 weeks before my driving test. Righto. So there I was, lying on the bed, headphones in, not quite knowing what to expect. A piano started up. Mmm..plinkiness. A lady started singing from what sounded like the very back of the recording studio: “deeeep dreaaaamingggg” she wailed. I’d be willing to wager that her own deep dreaming didn’t include recording the backing vocal to a hypnosis CD. Never mind, deep dreaming lady! You still might make it big! I was thinking. Then I remembered I wasn’t supposed to be thinking anything. Stop thinking! I told myself, whilst wondering if thinking about not thinking anything counted as not thinking.
A man, presumably Glenn, started talking. In a full on Essex accent. I wasn’t expecting that. That’s not how hypnotists talk, I thought. Hypnotists are all soothing and whispery. I don’t want to be put to sleep by Phil bloody Mitchell. I got a bit scared, wondering what sort of sinister thoughts he might put into my head. “You will pass your driving test AND regain control of the Vic! You will kill Ian Beale!” “You will bring Kaffy back from the dead in order to create an interesting story line and save me from the clutches of this rough dog off Bad Girls that I seem to have ended up with!”
Needless to say, on that first occasion, I was too busy thinking of other things to get hypnotised. I managed to improve, though, as the 2 weeks went on and I was really quite keen to do my test and see if it had worked. Or I would have been, were it not for the pathetic spazzes at Sidcup test centre, who saw the teeniest amount of snow (and I mean it, most of the roads had none on at all) and decided that due to “adverse weather conditions” they would cancel my test thanks very much. And give me an alternative date…in April. Yes, that’s right, April. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if I will ever have a driving licence. Is the universe trying to tell me something? I told my Aunt about my unnecessarily cancelled driving test. “Oh dear” she said, and then thought a bit and added “do you think it was because they noticed your name on the list?”
Other hypnosis related driving news
One of the best bits of my CD is right at the beginning when Glenn feels the need to warn: “under no circumstances must you listen to this CD while driving” I do wonder whether this warning has been added as a result of someone doing exactly that, with the defence: “well it didn’t say not to!”