Now here’s something I never thought I’d be writing about

Oh goody, a general election. No worries for me, I’ll vote Lib Dems as usual. Better have a quick squiz of the policies just to make sure, though. Right, here we go. “We must break up the banks!” Eh? OK, I don’t actually know what that means. I am presuming we’re not talking literally, and that Mr Clegg isn’t about to go marching into the city with a giant pickaxe on May 7th. Maybe the banks are a big gang and they won’t be allowed to hang out together in the city any more? Perhaps HSBC will be sent to Chester whilst Credit Suisse will be packed off to Truro. Um…next point. “We’ll abolish the Child Trust Fund”…oh dear. And so, my seed of doubt was sewn, and a mild panic set in.

I did one of those online surveys that tell you who to vote for, based on which policies you agree with. It told me to vote Lib Dems. Phew. Maybe, I thought, they are right. Maybe they are just the best of a bad bunch and I should stick with my original plan. I filled out another survey. It told me to vote Labour.  Oh.

The fundamental problem here is that, politically speaking, I’m just a bit thick. It takes me ages to cut through the jargon to work out what it means for me and sometimes I never ever get there. Surely this is a huge contribution to voter apathy, as people just don’t relate political policies to their own lives, claiming no interest in politics but going on to complain about their tax credits entitlement, or that they can’t get an appointment with their GP. I certainly don’t consider myself to be wildly political and I can’t imagine ever reusing that ‘politics’ tag I’ve just created.

Perhaps, since the suspiciously crease free David Cameron has been so kind as to write to us all individually, he could also add a PS at the bottom telling us exactly how much poorer we will be after May 6th. That would be real nice. Incidentally, has anyone actually checked that he is, in fact human? Only he looks to me like he’s been poured into a mould, left to set overnight and then pained with varnish. I am not sure about the rules of becoming Prime Minister, but I think being a plastic model may well render him disqualified. Worth investigating.

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